The following paragraphs are taken from an email I’ve been sending my gentile friends more or less every year on the day of Passover, or as you folks might refer to it: “that holiday based on the Disney film Prince of Egypt.” Since I originally wrote this document nine (!) years ago, I could not help but make some slight alterations to the text.
The various accounts of The Egypt Situation, the thing that directly led to the institution of the Passover Rule, are often conflicted and unfounded. No “official” document exists that can point us to an eyewitness or first-hand retelling of the event and so we have had to make due with what we call the Torah.
Roughly translated, the word “Torah” means “sub-temporal travel protocol” or in layman’s terms, “directions for the time travellings.” As you well know by now, time travel is one of the five pillars of Judaism, and its influence on all aspects of our culture, from Bar Mitzvahs to Passover, is plain to see.
Long story short: when Moses came from the future to enact revenge on the Pharaoh of Egypt (Ramses) he brought with him a magical time travelling stick that could do all sorts of wonders like launch poisonous frogs and fry small children’s brains. He used what is commonly referred to as The Moses Bad-Stick to annoy the shit out of the Pharaoh, so that he would let all the Jewish slaves go. See, these slaves themselves were building a time travelling device as well (The Sphinx) so that the pharaoh could pick his shit up and go to like the year 3000 and dominate. So Moses starts laying into him with these magic attacks to get his people back and the final level of attacks—The 10thLevel—was to literally vaporize all the babies in the land.
Obviously, this was bad news for all the Jewish babies. So, rather ingeniously, Moses activated The Sphinx, which was like the luxury cruise liner of timeships, popped his people in there, ushered the command “Let my people go”, and sent his Jewish ancestors (two of whom would later be responsible for birthing him, creating a weird “chicken or the egg” situation) and bested the Pharaoh in physical combat while all the babies were being vaporized. This Jewish time-exodus was later called the Passover Play as all Jews remained unscathed while en route to the future—the Bad-Stick magic passed over them.
Now we have something called the Passover Rule, which states that if ever there were to be a baby vaporizing scenario, we travel under or over the timescape to avoid its potential race/culture-destroying effect.
That, my friends, is the true meaning of Passover. None of what you’ve heard up until this point is true. Now that you have befriended a Jew, you befriend god himself. Therefore, this information is now yours to have.